


[S] Sollux: Murder Your Relatives

by orphan_account



Category: A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder - Lutvak/Freedman, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Class Differences, Drowning, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, Implied Sexual Content, Inheritance, Love Triangles, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Murder, Murder-Suicide, One-Sided Attraction, Poison, Polyamory, basically oops the noose wasnt fake, death by hanging, gentlemans guide to love and murder au, lots of death but its kind of played off, love triangle that ends in polyam, not like a lot, set in the 1800s i think???, stung to death by bees
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is deadass just me once again putting homestuck characters into a musical i saw in middle school. anyway i highly recomment listening to a gentlemans guide to love and murder its a hella good musical!
Relationships: Aradia Megido/Feferi Peixes, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido/Feferi Peixes, Sollux Captor/Feferi Peixes
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Reverend Lord Ezekial D'Ysquith

Sir Sollux Captor climbed the never-ending spiral staircase, following the young priest to the top of the church. The sounds of their dual footsteps echoed through the cramped stone chamber, making the silence between the two men all the more noticeable. 

Sollux had sought out Rev. Vantas after Mrs. Maryam had told him of his opportunity to inherit the Alternian fortune. After Sollux had taken up the apprenticeship with Dirk Strider (The current holder of the inheritance), he was eligible to receive the money. That is, if the nine people in front of him somehow died. But that would never happen. Most of them were young men in their prime, and it would take a freak accident for Sollux to even get  _ near _ the fortune. 

But if what Mrs Maryam said was correct, his mother may have had noble blood, Alternian blood to be more specific. And if Rev. Vantas knew anything about her, he might be able to move up in line

Sollux cleared his throat. “Erm. Thank you for indulging my curiosity, Reverend.”

Vantas (Sollux thought he remembered his name was Kankri.) simply nodded. “Of course, it is my duty to serve the community. You are no exception.” 

“Well. I just came here wondering if you had any information regarding the possible noble lineage of Mrs. Captor, my mother.”

Kankri scowled. “If you mean her  _ former _ noble lineage, then you would be correct. After she ran off with a low-class mason, the Alternian family disowned her.” The two men reached the top of the church, a small room with one wall removed, leaving the chamber exposed to the open air. “Rightly so, may I add. I mean no disrespect to your late mother, of course, but she can’t have expected any other reaction. The bloodline must be kept, if we are to be respected as a family.” 

What. Did. He. Just. Say? 

Kankri cleared his throat. “But enough talk of that.” He moved towards the open wall. “Don’t you think the view’s beautiful?”

How could he act so nonchalant after desecrating his mother’s name? Sollux silently seethed as he joined the Reverend by the edge. “Quite.”

Kankri held onto the wall as he leaned slightly over the edge. “I’m so glad that it’s open-air up here. It’s awful to be cooped up in such a stuffy building all day.” He chuckled. “One just has to make sure they don’t fall!”

Sollux was suddenly struck with how easy it would be to kill this man. It would be so  _ easy _ to pass it off as an accident, too. A lone priest falling to his death from the top of a church? No one would be the wiser.

_ And he would be closer to the inheritance…Perhaps as the new Earl, Aradia would notice him…? _

Before he could talk himself out of it, Sollux planted a firm kick to the back of Kankri’s legs. The Reverend stumbled for a second, before toppling over the edge. 

The thump of his body against the ground snapped Sollux out of his rage-fueled trance. The fatal reality of the situation hit Sollux suddenly, a shiver running through his body.  _ Oh god, did he just…murder a man?  _

He dashed down the stairs. He needed a breath of fresh air. 


	2. Asquith D'Ysquith, Jr and Miss Evangeline Barley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poison in my pocket is a jam except for the GRAPHIC DROWNING NOISES AT THE END

Fuck. Sollux was really in it now. The news outlets had reported Kankri Vantas’s death as a suicide, and Sollux had moved up in the Alternian line. If he stopped now, Kankri would have died for nothing. 

Which is how Sollux found himself shivering in the bushes, watching two newlyweds skate around a frozen pond. 

Said newlyweds’ names were Latula and Mituna Pyrope. Mituna Pyrope was next in line after Kankri.  _ To die. _ Lord, Sollux wasn’t cut out for this.

He hadn’t even had the guts to poison the man. He’d had a perfect opportunity to slip his newly-acquired arsenic into Mituna’s drink, but he’d stopped himself at the last moment. 

So there he was, poison in his pocket, wondering how in hell he was going to kill these poor idiots. 

He shivered and peeked out of the bushed at the lake. He watched Mituna stumble over a crack in the ice. He moved to the edge of the lake as Latula helped him fix his skates. Inspiration struck. 

He snuck over to a spot on the ice just out of sight and earshot, and pulled out his pocket knife. It was quite fortunate that he wouldn’t have to use the poison, drowning was a much less suspicious cause of death.

He carved out a substantial chunk of ice just enough to be a hazard, before quickly moving back to the safety of the bushes. 

Now all he had to do was wait. 

Sollux had to say, the sound of two people drowning wasn’t as unpleasant as he had thought. 


	3. Miss Sibella Hallward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i smushed "i dont know what id do" and "poor monty" into one chapter cause writing this much courting shenanigans is annoying

After the tragic deaths of Mituna and Latula Pyrope, Sollux had come to terms with the task at hand. He was to murder every person ahead of him in line for the inheritance, become the next Earl, and live the rest of his life happy, comfortable, and married to the love of his life.

But first he had to ask her. 

He arrived at Aradia Megido’s chambers, ring in pocket, flowers in hand. She sat by her vanity, draped in a pink robe, patting powder onto her cheeks. 

Upon hearing Sollux enter, she stood up, looking like Aphrodite as she floated over. 

“Oh goodness, Sollux, I’ve missed you so! You know, you’re such a constant in my life, I’m not sure how I’d survive without you by my side!”

This boded well. “Well, actually-”

“In fact, I was just getting ready! Would you be a dear and choose between these two pairs of earrings?”

Sollux nodded as Aradia held up one pair of earrings with red jewels, and one with blue. 

“I suppose the red, but-”

“Oh, thank you, Sollux, you’re so darling!” Her eyes dropped to the bouquet in his hands. “Goodness, you’ve brought me flowers! You’re too good to me!” She snatched them up, placing them into a vase along some red roses.

“Why thank you, Aradia, but-”

“Sollux! I can’t believe how horrible I’ve been! I haven’t even told you the big news!”

“W-what big news?”

“Why, that I’m engaged!”

_ What? _

“You’re...what?”

“Engaged, silly! What, did you think I’d just sit around all my life for you?” Noticing the look on his face, she frowned. “Oh, Sollux. I’ve just broken your heart, haven’t I? I’m sorry, dear, but I can’t marry down! Sir Equius Zahhak is a high status man who can support me.”

Of course. Sollux nodded, going through the rest of the visit in a trance. Of course she wouldn’t marry him. He was foolish to think anything to the contrary. 

_ But maybe… if he got to the inheritance…  _

Sollux would just have to see.


	4. Phoebe and Henry D'Ysquith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um. eridan gets nerfed lmao.

Aradia’s rejection had wounded Sollux’s pride, but he was soon consoled with the introduction of Miss Feferi Peixes into his life. She was kind, thoughtful, a bit reserved, and in most respects the polar opposite of Aradia.

So why did Sollux feel such an infatuation with her? He had long been her friend, she ran in the same circles as him, but he had never taken much notice of her.

Perhaps it was the fact that she was engaged. Engaged to a man who just so happened to be right above Sollux in the lineage. How unfortunate.

“So, you’re the man Feferi’s engaged to?”

Eridan Ampora was his name. He was as high in status as Feferi, if not more. And he was in the way of Sollux’s inheritance. As Dirk’s apprentice, Sollux was entitled to the family’s fortune if the rest of the heirs died. 

He was ninth in line. To most, inheriting the money would seem a fool’s errand. But not to Sollux. Not to a remorseless killer. 

So many members of the Alternian line had died recently, all under mysterious circumstances. It would be cause for suspicion if they weren’t universally hated by the laypeople.

So here he was presented with his newest target. Eliminating Eridan would kill two birds with one stone: One step closer to the money, and with him dead, he could make his move on Feferi. 

Eridan nodded, sipping his whiskey. “I am! She’s lovely, isn’t she?”

Sollux pursed his lips. “Quite. So I imagine you must be excited for the wedding?”

Eridan chuckled. “Well, of course! But not nearly as excited as Feferi is. You know how women are.”

“Elaborate.”

Eridan took another sip. “Well, they get overjoyed at the most trivial things. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, what’s a man without a wife? But frankly, if a man wants to be truly understood, he needs another man.”

Well, this was interesting. “Well, of course, Eridan, the bond between two men is far closer than any woman could hope to achieve.”

Eridan smiled. “I’m glad you understand, my friend. Feferi never approved of how close I was with my male…companions. So I decided she didn’t need to know. After all, discretion is the only way that love survives.”

“Absolutely. I am glad to not be burdened with a wife of my own, this way I can devote myself to my male friends completely.”

Sollux had to be careful not to oversell his interest in 

Eridan, he just had to get him close enough and drunk enough that he wouldn’t notice something coating his glass.

He had contemplated poison, but figured that would be too obviously foul play. No, instead he had brought lavender oil. Eridan kept beehives on his property (lord knows why), and with the aroma on him, the bees wouldn’t hesitate to attack. 

A flawless plan. If he could just get the execution down

pat, he could be home free. 

“Goodness, Mr. Captor, if you weren’t a man, you’d make a perfect wife.”

Sollux laughed heartily. “Mr. Ampora, you are too kind. Feferi is a lucky girl, marrying such a fellow.” Ugh. What a pompous ass.

Eridan clapped a hand on Sollux’s shoulder. “Captor, I really feel as though you understand me. Never have I met such a good-natured chap.”  _ Maybe because you’re the most infuriating man to ever walk the earth? _ Sollux thought, grabbing Eridan’s empty glass. 

“You flatter me. How about more drink? It may ease your mind.” Eridan nodded. 

Sollux moved towards the decked-out bar cabinet, surreptitiously spreading the entire bottle of oil on the surface of the cup. He presented the glass to Eridan, planting a kiss on his hand to sweeten the deal.

Eridan blushed, chugging the whiskey to cover it. Good. Now to get him near the bees. 

“Didn’t you mention that you kept bees? How fascinating!” Not. “Would you like to show me?”

Eridan’s face lit up. “Absolutely!”

He led Sollux outside, where several stark white boxes stood, swarming with bees. The infernal hum almost gave Sollux a headache, but he took solace in the fact that it would be over soon. 

Sollux had to restrain himself from laughing when the first sting landed. 

Eridan flinched and swatted at the bug. “Ugh. I love the little creatures to death, but I could do without the stinging.”

Another bee made its presence known on Eridan’s neck. He slapped at it, scowling. “Honestly, they’re never like this.”

The other bees caught on, mobbing Eridan with a flurry of stings. “Wh-Mr. Captor, I swear, this is highly unusual! Ow-” He silenced himself in an attempt to fend off the bees.

“Hm. How unfortunate. It’s funny, I do believe I just read that a person can easily die from an excess of bee stings.”

“Why, yes of course, but-” The realization dawning in his eyes was enough to make Sollux smile. “S-sir! You can’t mean-”

“It’s a true shame, imagine how broken up Feferi will be. Her beloved fiance, caught in a freak accident.”

“Y-you bastard! Stop kidding around and call a doctor!”

Sollux spun around on his heel. “Goodbye, Eridan Ampora. Can’t say I enjoyed your company very much.” He opened the tall gate (far too tall for Eridan to climb, he noticed), locking it from the outside.

He listened as Eridan rattled the gate, the screams of a man dying slowly and painfully echoing in his ears. He reveled in it. 

Only a few more Alternians left to kill. And he was going to enjoy it.


	5. Lady Hyacinth and Major Lord Bartholomew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rip to jane and rip to equius :pensive:

Next was Mrs. Jane Crocker. She was widowed young, turning to philanthropy to soothe her grief. She would likely be easy to dispose of, Sollux thought, due to her love for travel. All Sollux had to do was ship her off to an...unfortunate place, and she would go missing in no time. 

But Jane Crocker proved to be sturdier than Sollux originally thought. Her trip to the Amazon returned with little to no fanfare, not a speck of disease on the woman. Her trek through the Sahara desert proved successful too, Jane coming back not even the least bit dehydrated. 

So Sollux employed his last resort. His old family friend, Gamzee Makara. He had connections to a cult-like group of murderous mimes and clowns. All it took was a simple indication to Jane that they were looking for donations, and the next day she was presumed dead. 

The next victim was a Mr. Equius Zahhak. He posed more of a challenge for Sollux, due to his impressive strength. He was a bodybuilder, and Sollux figured he couldn’t overpower him with any sort of raw strength. So he had to find a way to use Equius’s strength against himself. 

Which is how he ended up standing over Equius’s sweaty body, piling weight after weight onto the barbell. 

“Alright, boy, that’s quite enough, now. Even a man as strong as me can’t hold much more than this.”

“Hm? You said you wanted more? Quite impressive! As you wish.” Sollux reached for two more weights.

“No, are you deaf? I said stop!” Equius bellowed.

“Well, I’m not sure adding more is wise, but if that’s what you want, I can’t refuse!”

Equius wheezed as his arms wobbled. “N-no! Stop this a-at once!” He wheezed. 

“Alright, then, more it is.” Sollux added two of the heaviest weights to the ends of Equius’s barbell. There was no way he could hold it for long. 

Equius struggled under the bar, his elbows jerking in an attempt to save himself. 

“...Fiddlesticks…” He finally gasped out, letting the bar drop directly on his neck.

A sickening  _ crack _ filled the weight-lifting hall, as Equius’s life was quickly stolen from him.

Sollux looked down, almost admiring the unnatural angle the body’s head was at, before quickly taking his leave. Hopefully, the news would simply report it as a freak accident, a man killed by his own hubris. 


	6. Lady Salome (and others)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god i cant wait to stop writing this

Feferi proved to be the sole constant in Sollux’s life. Even through the death and carnage, she remained by his side, blissfully unaware of who was plaguing the Alternian family. He was her shoulder to cry on every time a new death was reported, and she was his consolation whenever the guilt got to be too much to handle. 

There was only a couple more Alternians to get rid of. The only ones left were Mrs Terezi Neophyte, Dave Strider, and of course, Sollux’s boss, the kindly old Sir Dirk Alternia. He was hoping that he never had to murder Dirk, he was a good man, but considering how old he was, it likely wouldn’t be a problem. 

But first he had to deal with Mrs. Neophyte. Sollux had actually already heard the name, as she was a relatively infamous actress. Not for her talent, certainly not, but rather for her lack of it. Her voice was abrasive, her acting heavy-handed, but people still came to see her for the irony. 

He was wondering how to kill her without causing a scandal, when he saw what her upcoming play would be.  _ The Trial Of Prosecutor Redglare. _ If Sollux’s memory was correct, the play ended with Prosecutor Redglare being hanged by the jury. All he would have to do would be to swap the fake noose with a real one, and the rest would fall into place. 

One midnight trip to the theater was all it took, and the plan was in motion. He simply had to see the fruits of his labor, so that night he found himself crammed into a hot, sweaty theater, waiting for the pièce de resistance. 

Terezi droned on and on, far overshadowing the much more talented woman who played Marquise Spinneret. But Sollux was hardly bothered by the dreadful performance. He was just waiting for the grand reveal. 

And then it was happening. Terezi climbed onto a stool, wrapping the noose around her neck. Her fellow actress kicked the stool out from under her.

For the second time in two weeks, the sound of a broken neck graced Sollux’s ears. The other actress rushed to help her but it was too late.

Sollux smiled and left the theater. Only one more man to kill. 

Sollux walked down the street, when Feferi suddenly bustled into him, tears in her eyes. 

“Goodness, Feferi, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Feferi sniffled, wiping a tear from her eye. “L-lord Dirk had a heart attack! I can hardly believe how many of the family are dying…”

“Oh goodness, that’s horrible! So his estate’s being transferred to his nephew Dave, correct.”

Feferi breathed in shakily, nodding. _Perfect._ He pulled Feferi into a tight embrace. Now all Sollux had to do was kill Dave, and then he would be a rich man.

Sollux laid on the crisp linens, out of breath. Who would have thought that Aradia was looking for a rebound when her husband was reported dead? Aradia nestled next to him, her bare arms wrapped around his chest. He absentmindedly ran his fingers through her thick hair, his thoughts drifting to Feferi. Technically they weren’t engaged, but still, having an affair with Aradia didn’t seem like the wisest move. 

Still, going to bed with the woman one’s loved for years is never a bad idea. Sollux was preparing to go back to bed, when he heard a knock on the door. He shot up, quickly dressing himself, and throwing the blanket over Aradia.

“Huh?” She asked groggily.

“Just-stay in here. I’ll get it.” He locked Aradia in his chamber, and hurried to the door. 

“Good morning, Sollux! I apologize for intruding so early in the day, I hope you weren’t in the middle of anything important!” Feferi stood in front of him, beaming.

_ Yes. _ “No, not at all, come in, why don’t you?” He ushered her into the drawing room, taking her coat and muffler. 

“Now, what, erm, business did you come here for?” He asked, still waking up.

“Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but-” Oh no. “-I’ve decided to marry you!”  _ Oh no. _

“You’ve...what?”

“Decided to marry you, silly! Sure, my family may look down upon you, but that’s quite alright! I truly think I’ve begun to love you, Sollux, and I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t act upon this desire!”

“Why...Miss Peixes, I’m not sure what to say-”

“Then say yes!” She interrupted, a gleam in her eyes. A million thoughts flitted through Sollux’s head, but not a single one of them contributed to what he said, which was “Absolutely, Miss Peixes, I’d love to!”

Sollux Captor is dumb as shit. 


End file.
